I walked away from Saturday's meeting and the truth stung my heart; I remembered what the original impetus for TJP was, remembered my 22 year old heart, and I was reminded what this, in the end is really all about. This is about community, a community mutually committed to action, reality, grace, and formation in Christ. That was what I had experienced in the years leading up to my 22nd year, and TJP emerged as an answer to what, in my purview had been lost. I was alone, trying to do ministry and I was bordering on a nervous breakdown, I mean what the hell did a 22 year old know about ministry other that arrogant gradiosity, myopia, and naivete regarding ideals? Life was spinning out of control and there wasn't anyone to sit down by a fire, crack open a Sam Adams, light up a smoke and get down to personal brass tacks. I longed to be together, not just to lick each others wounds, though there was that too, but also to remember that our naivete could at time be brilliant, and to be reminded by the constant jabs that I wasn't really a genius but really just an a-hole like everyone else and needed to have my eyes opened by a friend to look upon the beauty of Christ.
I remembered that TJP emerged because I was broken and needed someone to go on a pilgrimmage with me. I wanted an idea so grand, so pervasive that it could encorporate everyone I loved into one common cause. I remember early transcripts that I had written with names besides each position, all friends, all committed to action, reality, grace, and formation. There was something magical about the days at the Casa house, there emerged something magical about the days at mom and dad's, and I wanted to cement this, to channel this into something sub-creative and eternal.
What was most true, was that I was having a hard time with the loss of community, and so projected all my hopes, dreams, aspirations into one all-encompassing idea - The Jubilee Project. Maybe TJP would make me feel situated again, purposed again... I am not sure. Time has passed since then, and some things have changed. I got married, I found a faithful pilgrim to journey to the Promised Land with me. Friends whom I naively supposed would never fall out of contact have virtually disappeared. Yet there is this persistent and nagging hope that God would bring together those whom I have loved in a project committed to the values already discussed. I suppose this explains TJP's many changes over the years, it has changed with me, with others. These many forms have always aimed at fulfilling the same function. I realize there is a lot of nostalgia in me, a lot of that same kind of thing where you always look back on life to the "good ol' days." But there was something about then that is not true about now, and something about then that my heart still longs for, and something in my heart that continues to project its desires into The Jubilee Project.
This isn't meant to shape TJP but maybe it will help each of you understand where all this has come from, why there is seems to be a sort of vagueness about TJP, and why Saturday was immensely satisfying, and why regardless of child-like naivete, I still persist in hoping that something like TJP comes about.
4 comments:
Onward Christian soldier! Those nights at the Casa house were amazing (the house house?) even if I only had a few there. But I guess you can't go back down the roads that wind into your past, unless it is in memory. Immagine what the old members of Remnant Israel must've felt when they looked upon the rebuilt temple and compared it to the one Solomon built. But you know what? The rebuilt temple worked and it took the shape of our own dreams. The first one's break, and the new ones might not be as grand, but we can still meet God there so the second, like the first is holy and beautiful in God's eyes
There's a different bond between us as men than there was when we were boys trying to be men. Churchills and the Casa might be things of the past, but I like what we're building now. I feel like I have some soldiers who have wielded the battle axe beside me and have weathered the enemy's attacks without breaking rank. The brotherhood means more to me than words can describe.
Imagine: an expanded community holding their axes, filthy, bloodied, and hungry, ready to lay siege to the gates of hell, bearing in themselves the undiminished glory of Christ Himself. Imagine an army in our generation that takes its call in this world with grave seriousness until the Lord relieves us of earthly duty. Thats where I want to serve
Yeah, I was thinking that the times at Churchill's (not every time) and at Casa House (not every time) became a sort of sacrament, we became a part of something that was very sacred. There were, at certain moments, a sense of transcendence, a sense that apart from our intentions we had stepped on to holy ground and our words carried spiritual gravitas.
So, yes, Jed I do believe I wish to be, in some sense a gristled band of brothers, war weary and waiting for our Salvation.
Thanks for conveying your heart so eloquently. Nostalgia creeps up in my own mind when you speak of long nights, long smokes, and long necked bottles. Though part of me wishes I was there to experience the formation of dreams, I know that, should the Lord grace me in this brotherhood, that my experiences born from my own past are what I bring to the table. I pray that we can all eat from each other's experiences, gaining our strength so that we can indeed storm the gates of hell.
I look forward to fashioning the armour around all of our feeble bodies, forming a hearty band of brothers, so that we can be more effective in our upward call. Thank you for your embrace...
This is all so amazing to read. I'm speechless with encouragement.
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